GOON SHOW: TLO 41712
8TH SERIES: No 7
RECORDED: 11 Nov 1957
GREENSLADE: This is the
BBC Light Programme.
SECOMBE: There should
be a law against it.
GREENSLADE: There is.
SECOMBE: What's it
called?
GREENSLADE: The Home
Service.
ORCHESTRA: Chord in C
SECOMBE: And it's that
sort of material folks that makes the BBC give in to ITV.
GREENSLADE: It's all
right you running Auntie down, but you know which side your breads buttered
mate.
SECOMBE: Yeah, you do
all right out of it as well mate. My life, eh, what!
GREENSLADE: Oh?
SECOMBE: I've seen you
knocking back the gin at the old BBC cocktail parties there, Wal'. I've seen
you staggering out reeking of whisky and your pockets full of cheese biscuits.
GREENSLADE: This is
outrageous.
SECOMBE: You'll get a
muffin up your conk. Shut your big dinner grinder and read that. Go on, read on
there Wal'.
GREENSLADE: I've a good
mind to go back to the P & O. Ahem. We start the all-leather Goon Show with
a map of
SECOMBE: Give me back
that family treasure. Where's my speaking trumpet? Hello folks. Hello folks.
Calling folks. Presenting to you, Captain Hugh Jampton to tell a tale of
ORCHESTRA: Bugle solo;
"The Last Post"
CAPTAIN HUGH
JAMPTON:
GRAMS: Fade
in distant sound of sitar under.
CAPTAIN HUGH
JAMPTON:
As I sat there in the sweltering heat, the perspiration poured off my dufta,
ran down the fur on my toupee, and sizzled on my hot steaming curry. Gad, I
thought, I wonder what the folks at home are doing now.
PRIVATE BOGG: We weren't
doing anything actually.
CAPTAIN HUGH
JAMPTON:
...and just across the road I could hear the old man signing documents in his
office.
ORCHESTRA: Bloodnok theme.
BLOODNOK: Ohhh, ohhh,
oh. Blast these flies. Dear Sir,...
FX: Quill on parchment – continue under.
BLOODNOK: (writing) Consignments of women arriving
from
FX: knock on door
BLOODNOK: Just a
moment, I haven't got my medals on...
FX: Jangle of tin cans.
BLOODNOK: ...and
they're all long service ones, you know. (Calls)
Come in.
FX: Door opens.
SEAGOON: Good morning
Major. Ah, your medals are showing sir.
BLOODNOK: Oh, ho-ho.
Dear, oh dear. Captain Seagoon, what's up now?
SEAGOON: Can your wife
keep a secret?
BLOODNOK: Yes.
SEAGOON: Then I'm
safe.
BLOODNOK: Yes, but I'm
not married.
SEAGOON: Wait, then
who was that lady in your house?
BLOODNOK: That was no
lady, that was my batman.
SEAGOON: Aaaaaahhhhhh!
It's the heat sir, my eyes are going. I want a transfer.
BLOODNOK: Right, stick
this on your arm.
FX: Slap on bare skin.
SEAGOON: Gad, it's a
nude anchor on a g-string.
BLOODNOK: Yes, it
belonged to my mother. She was a sailor.
SEAGOON: Ah
ha-ha-ha-ha-aaa
BLOODNOK: Oh, you
naughty man. What's the matter with you this morning, Seagoon? Why have you got
such a long face?
SEAGOON: Heavy
dentures sir.
BLOODNOK: I see. Well,
have you seen a doctor?
SEAGOON: Yes, I just
saw one walking down the road.
BLOODNOK: Good, good,
good, good, good. Then you must let nature take its course.
SEAGOON: Yes. That
reminds me sir. There's a native outside says he's a better man than I am.
BLOODNOK: Gunga Din?
SEAGOON: That's him.
FX: Door opens.
SPRIGGS: Hello Jim.
Hello Jeeeeeeem. Pardon me sir. There's trouble in the old bazaar. Trouble
iiiin the bazzzaaaaaar!
BLOODNOK: Stop raving
and get on with it.
SPRIGGS: The devils
are going around shouting "Down with the English".
SEAGOON: What! I'll
send the Irish Guards to deal with them
SPRIGGS: It's the
Irish Guards who are shouting it.
SEAGOON:
Whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat. I'll have their shamrock ration cut in half for this.
SPRIGGS: How painful
for them. But there is terrible trouble sir. Terrible trouble siiiii-r. The
cantonment is in great danger. In great danjee-eer.
SEAGOON: Danger?
Major, I want a transfer.
FX: Slap on bare skin.
SEAGOON: Gad, the cap
badge of Hodsons Horse.
BLOODNOK: Yes, it
belonged to my father.
SEAGOON: How long was
he with the Hodsons Horse?
BLOODNOK: Until the day
it died. Why are you asking all these questions Seagoon? You must be rather new
out here.
SEAGOON: Yes sir, new
out here, but…(sobs)…old everywhere
else.
BLOODNOK: Well gentlemen,
we'll have to face it. The natives are revolting.
SEAGOON: Oh I don't
know, some of them are nice chaps.
BLOODNOK: Where did you
hear that?
SEAGOON: ‘Take It From
Here,’ nineteen fifty two.
GRAMS: Distant crowd
noise.
BLOODNOK: Listen, if
that's the right sound effect, it sounds like hostile natives.
SEAGOON: Don't worry
Sir. I'll go outside and soothe them.
FX: Door opens and closes.
SEAGOON: (sings)...There'll always be an
and
GRAMS: Jeers from
the crowd.
FX: Door opens and closes.
SEAGOON: ...Unmusical
swines. They'd have had to pay two guineas a time to hear that at the
Palladium. My life.
BLOODNOK: Well let me
quell them lad. Hand me my military violin.
FX: Door opens and closes.
ORCHESTRA: Violin solo – “Colonel
Bogey March”
GRAMS: Enormous raspberry.
FX: Door opens and closes.
BLOODNOK: The filthy
swines! Look at my uniform. I'll soon show them – I'll give them the last
turkey in the shop![2]
Abdul, now then, hand me that magnifying glass.
FX: Door opens and closes.
GRAMS:
Large gasp from huge crowd. Sudden
screams and boots running into the distance.
FX: Door opens.
BLOODNOK: There, that
got rid of them.
SEAGOON: Major, what
did you do?
BLOODNOK: I'm not going
to say, but they’ll never allow it on television – that's all.
SEAGOON: Well anyhow,
it's given us breathing space to re-organise.
BLOODNOK: Yes, yes,
yes. Haveldah Singhez Thing?
SINGHIZ THINGZ: Kya mangta
hai, Sahib?[3]
BLOODNOK: Why are the
men mutinying?
SINGHIZ THINGZ: Indeed sir,
there is a nasty rumour that the cartridges for their rifles are being greased
with banana skins.
SEAGOON: What what
what what what what what what what what what?
SINGHIZ THINGZ: Well sahib,
the natives look upon the banana as a sacred animal.
BLOODNOK: What? Rattle
me crowders…
SEAGOON:
Wooowoowoowoo.
BLOODNOK: (Thank you.)
That's a lot of superstitious nonsense. The banana is a non-sacred animal.
SEAGOON: Nevertheless
sir, the native troops are enflamed.
BLOODNOK: Well we all
are. It's the dhobi itch you know.[4]
Tell them to drink caster oil.
SEAGOON: Are you mad
major? The natives regard castor oil as a sacred animal. I'm only a simple
Englishman and I know that.
BLOODNOK: You're
simpler than I thought.
GRAMS: Volley
of rifle fire.
SEAGOON: Listen –
rifle fire.
BLOODNOK: Quick, push
Max Geldray out.
MAX
GELDRAY –
GREENSLADE: With Geldray seriously killed by
the natives, we go to ‘The Red Fort’ part two – and I do hope they get on with it
this time.
SEAGOON: And so saying
he pointed to a map of
GRAMS: Meeting of high
ranking officers.
SPRIGGS: ………. Major Ji-immmm.
Eyes front. Commanding Officer, atteeen... shun.
GRAMS: Regiment running off
across parade ground.
BLOODNOK: As you were
men. (I presume you were men before you – eh... well, never mind about that.)
Now gentlemen, the Sepoys are up in arms and down in legs, under the leadership
of the Red Bladder.
SEAGOON: What is the
disposition of his troops?
BLOODNOK: They're a lot
of miserable... Ah well, I believe that he and his mutineers are a thousand
miles away
SEAGOON: Correction
sir, we've just had news that they're only half a mile away.
BLOODNOK: What! Follow
me.
GRAMS: Large number of
boots running away at speed; pause, then
coming back again. Wind down the speed at the end.
BLOODNOK: All right,
stop, stop. Well, now they're a thousand miles away.
SEAGOON: They're not,
we are.
BLOODNOK: So, we are
the same distance from them as they are from us – the cunning devils.
SEAGOON: Major, it's
no good. We've got to attack the Red Fort. It's the key to the whole of
BLOODNOK: All right
then. I want three brave men and a coward.
SEAGOON: I'll be the
coward sir.
BLOODNOK: Too late,
I've already volunteered. You'll have to be the three brave men. You're just
the right size I think anyway. Now Seagoon, you three black up your faces, put
on evening dress and muffle your banjos.
SEAGOON: Don't be
silly sir, the muffled banjo is considered a sacred animal.
BLOODNOK: Then you'll
have to attack unaccompanied. Now, you know what we want?
SEAGOON: Yes sir, the
inside leg measurement of the key to the rebel fort.
BLOODNOK: Yes.
SEAGOON: Don't worry
sir, leave it to me. Yes sir, I will do it sir. I'll see to it sir. Yes sir.
You can rely on me absolutely to.....
BLOODNOK: Shut up, Shut
up there.
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link.
GREENSLADE: Meantime,
outside the tradesman’s entrance of the Red Fort, sounds are heard coming from
a dustbin.
FX: Sounds of cutlery on plates and Moriarty eating and going
"ow"
GRYTPYPE: Ah yes,
Moriarty, when Grytpype-Thynne invites someone to dine, they dine in the style
to which they're accustomed. Here, have another fillet of fishbone.
MORIARTY: (swallows)
GRYTPYPE: Nourishment,
that's what you need, my dear Count, nourishment. Bring the roses back to your
knees.
MORIARTY: Grytpype,
this life of luxury in this dustbin, it's too good to be true. What are you
after? What do you want of me? What is it, what task do you want of me, what
task?
GRYTPYPE: We've never
had it so good, have we?
MORIARTY: Never had it
so good.
GRYTPYPE: Well I'll
tell you. Now, I have a great plan Moriarty. Soon this dustbin will be resting
inside the Red Fort, and then I have a certain idea.
MORIARTY: Owwww
GRYTPYPE: But shhh,
someone is approaching downwind.
MORIARTY: Lucky for
them.
SEAGOON: Yes, it's me
folks. Where's my muffled speaking trumpet? Hello folks, haaaallo folks. I'm
speaking through my muffled speaking trumpet from directly outside the main
gate of the Red Fort. We're disguised to look like Indian GPO engineers. Now to
afford an entrance.
WILLIUM: I can afford
an entrance captain, I just had me slate money.
SEAGOON: Right, well
knock on the door with your slate.
WILLIUM: Right. Knock,
knock, knock.
FX: Door opens.
RED BLADDER: Yimbum
bullaboo, itchy kitchy coo, toolatoola yakadoola, and your father too. Now,
what d'you want, blimey, knocking us up this time of night.
SEAGOON: We're just
testing a door knocker.
RED BLADDER: Did it work?
WILLIUM: We don't
know. We're waiting to see if anyone answers.
RED BLADDER: Well I hope
they hurry up. I can't stand here all night with my door open. It's bad enough
standing here with it shut.
WILLIUM: All right,
lets start again then. Knock, knock.
RED BLADDER: Who's there?
WILLIUM: Cohen.
RED BLADDER: Cohen who?
WILLIUM: Cohen answer
the door.
RED BLADDER: Ah, so your
back.
WILLIUM: No, it's me
front mate.
SEAGOON: You're not
going to get any laughs. Let me try and be funny
WILLIUM: That's a
laugh for a start, innit.
SEAGOON: Red Bladder,
we've come to disconnect your phone.
RED BLADDER: I haven't got
one.
SEAGOON: Don't worry,
we've brought one with us.
RED BLADDER: All right
little jokers, come in.
SEAGOON: Don't bother
to wait up, we'll lock up for you.
RED BLADDER: OK, and don't
forget to put the cat out, he's a British spy.
BLUEBOTTLE: You rotten
swine, you give me away now. My disguise was perfect until you said that.
Points to mums old drawers painted to look like tabby cat.
SEAGOON: Gad, it's
secret agent Bluebottle.
BLUEBOTTLE: Yee hee.
SEAGOON: Just the
fellow. Give me a hand to remove the fort door and get it back to camp.
BLUEBOTTLE: But if we
take it away captain, they'll notice it.
SEAGOON: Nonsense, if
it's not there, how can they notice it? If it was there they'd notice, but then
there wouldn't be anything to notice, would there? I mean if its not there they
wouldn't notice it. I mean, if it em.....hum.
SEAGOON: (singing) Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves, Britons never
never
never......
ORCHESTRA: Dramatic link
BLOODNOK: We must have
that door of the fort. Any news of Seagoon and his blacked up raiding party?
GREENSLADE: No sir, but
we've captured three natives who say they're Seagoon blacked up.
BLOODNOK: What? Send
them in.
SEAGOON: Let me go.
It's all a mistake I tell you, let me go.
BLOODNOK: Right, now
then who are you three people?
SEAGOON: We're me,
Seagoon. I'm not a native, look, I'll roll my sleeves up.
BLOODNOK: So, a native
with European arms.
GREENSLADE: Seagoon took
the door of the fort down to the locksmiths shop where even now they are making
a duplicate key.
FX: locksmith working type noises, hammering on metal....
LALKAKA: I don't know
what's happening here, I don't understand.
LAKAGEE: You will have
it in a moment.
LALKAKA: Using a
tantamount of patience will bring it to a conclusion I say.
LAKAGEE: This is a job
for Hindustani
LALKAKA: You realise
the significance of getting this into.... (Muttering).... Conjunction with
certain.... (Muttering)
LAKAGEE: I do I do,
yes
LALKAKA: Yes alright.
Steady Mr Lakagee. Most imperative that we keep this in great perspective so we
get condition right, you understand.
LAKAGEE: I duly
understand what you are saying.
LALKAKA: Shabash.[5]
LAKAGEE: Thik hai.
Thik hai.
LALKAKA: Aap ke da.
LAKAGEE: One moment Mr
Lalkaka, would it not be more advantageous if we stood the door in the upright
position.
LALKAKA: You are
speaking line 3 and I haven't spoken line 2 yet.
LAKAGEE: Ah but I am
wondering whether the line 1 you are saying was replaced with some other
utterings
LALKAKA: You are going
back Bengali babu, and in Callicut longly. Missi give you three paise daily,
but on Sunday…
LAKAGEE: …I get none.
LALKAKA: What will you
do?
LAKAGEE: … or I shall
die.
LALKAKA: Then your
wife and children will cry.
LAKAGEE: They will
make a bonfire of me…
LALKAKA: … they will
throw you in the sea.
LAKAGEE: … what will
be the end of me?
LALKAKA: I don't know.
LAKAGEE: Oh dear.
LALKAKA: Now to test
the key out in the door we have made for this important door. Mr Lakagee, will
you please hold the end of the door in a position like so.
LAKAGEE: I will, I
will, but Mr Lalkaka, would it not be more advantageous if we stood the door in
the upright position?
LALKAKA: Indeed,
indeed Mr Lakagee, that is a splendid idea, admitting. I will get Haveldar
Singiz-Singh to hold the door upright against his face.
LAKAGEE: Giving you
credit for your intelligence, I do not see the point of having Haveldar Singh
holding the door upright.
LALKAKA: Please
letting me explain the reason that it is, and simply the reason comes man. Now
listen please.
LAKAGEE: I am
listening. I am listening.
LALKAKA: Will you
kindly remain in a condition of serenity and calm, and I will explain the whole
principal of the idea. Toodle pip.
LAKAGEE: Explain. Chin
chin.
LALKAKA: Chin chin.
Now the natural position of the door is being upright, is that not right so?
LAKAGEE: Indeed yes,
indeed yes.
LALKAKA: Hooray
LAKAGEE: I am in
complete accordment with the statement you have just vouchsafed.
LALKAKA: Alright.
Therefore in this position we are able to make the requisite preparation for
the testing of the key.
LAKAGEE: That is so,
that is so.
LALKAKA: Now then,
Haveldar Singh.
HAVELDAR SINGH: I am standing
by waiting immediately on your command.
LAKAGEE: Well rest
your little curry bag on the chair, and hold the door between yourself and us
two persons on the opposite side.
FX: heavy object being moved
LALKAKA: Excellent
indeed, now then, we will insert the newly made key into the lock so.
FX: scratching of key in lock
LAKAGEE: Oh dear dear
LALKAKA: What is the
trouble?
LAKAGEE: It is not
correctly fitting into the lock.
LALKAKA: Haveldar
Singh, a disaster has occurred for you, we fear you are locked in.
SEAGOON: There you
are, gentlemen. How's it going?
LALKAKA: Sir, the key
we made will not fit the Red Forts door.
SEAGOON: I must find
how to unlock this door. It's the only way we can get into the fort. Has anyone
here got a hairpin?
FLOWERDEW: I've got one
sir.
SEAGOON: It's time you
went on leave, isn't it? Now, see if this hairpin opens it.
FX: Key scratching in lock and then door opens.
SEAGOON: There! Got
it.
RED BLADDER: Here, I hope
you put that cat out.
SEAGOON: The Red
Bladder! Major Bloodnok.
FX: Horse runs up.
BLOODNOK: What is it?
SEAGOON: I've got The
Red Bladder imprisoned behind this door.
BLOODNOK: What? Let's
look round the back. There's nobody there.
SEAGOON: He's escaped.
Anyway major, you'll be pleased to know we've got the door to open.
BLOODNOK: Let me try.
RED BLADDER: So Bloodnok,
hands up
BLOODNOK: (screams), let me go.
SEAGOON: Good heavens,
the Red Bladders captured Major Bloodnok. I'll have to get this door back to
the Red Fort at once and liberate Bloodnok. Fall in a volunteer for a dangerous
job.
GRAMS: Stampede of boots running away.
ECCLES: But dat only
leaves me. (applause) Ta, ta,
there'll be a silver collection later, what.[6]
SEAGOON: Splendid
Eccles, I want you to guard that door with your life
ECCLES: Okay. [mutters leftrightleftright as he marches
back and forward) There's something funny going on here. I don't know about
you folks, but I think it's silly guarding a door. Wait a minute, instead of me
walking round it, I'll open it and walk through. That way I'll get to the other
side quicker.
GRAMS: Door opens. Immediate sounds of battle, lots of shooting
etc.
SEAGOON: You fool
Eccles, you've let all the mutineers out. Quick, after them.
ECCLES: Right
FX: running feet
ORCHESTRA: dramatic link
CAPTAIN HUGH
HAMPTON:
Meanwhile, inside the Red Fort.
RED BLADDER: Come
Bloodnok, sign this document giving
BLOODNOK: Codswaggle me
dongolas. Never, never. Torture me. Lock me in a dark room with six beautiful
women. I'll never sign.
RED BLADDER: Very well, I
won't lock you in a dark room with six beautiful women.
BLOODNOK: Thank
heavens, saved.
RED BLADDER: Instead, me
challenge you to a duel. Name your weapons.
BLOODNOK: One pair of
clean underpants.
RED BLADDER: Cor blimey,
what you mean mate?
BLOODNOK: I challenge
you to a battle of wits, namely a nineteenth century underpant wearing contest.
We stand back to back and the first man to wear out the seat of his pants dies,
of exposure.
RED BLADDER: I accept.
BLOODNOK: Are you
ready? Back to back. Now, forty eight thousand paces, quick march.
FX: Booted feet march into distance
BLOODNOK: Well, that
got rid of him.
RED BLADDER: That's what
you think.
BLOODNOK: Aaaaah. You swine,
you let your legs go without you.
RED BLADDER: Bloodnok,
your time has come.
BLOODNOK: Aaaaaah
RED BLADDER: Stand up
against the wall.
BLOODNOK: What?
RED BLADDER: Firing squad,
load.
NARRATOR: Meanwhile,
Seagoons relief column approaches.
FX: Marching column
SEAGOON: We must hurry
men. Left, left, left right left.
NARRATOR: Back at the
Fort.
RED BLADDER: Take aim.
NARRATOR: Back at the
Seagoon.
SEAGOON: Faster men,
faster.
FX: faster marching
NARRATOR: Back at the
fort.
RED BLADDER: Any last
requests Bloodnok.
BLOODNOK: Yes, don't
shoot me.
NARRATOR: Back at the
fort. Back at the Seagoon.
SEAGOON: Hurry men,
faster.
NARRATOR: While, back
at the fort.
RED BLADDER: Fire.
FX: Firing squad fire.
NARRATOR: Back at the
Seagoon.
SEAGOON: Halt. Too
late. Fall out lads, get your money. See you next week.
GREENSLADE: It's all in
the mind you know.
ORCHESTRA: End theme - "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead"
GREENSLADE: That was The
Goon Show. A BBC recorded programme featuring Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe, and
Spike Milligan; with the Ray Ellington Quartet, Max Geldray. The Orchestra was
conducted by Wally Stott. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens.
Announcer Wallace Greenslade. The programmer produced by Roy Spear.
[1] Mutiny in the
[2] Exactly
what the Major is about to do is described in Vol 1 of the War Memoirs. On p.70
of “Adolf Hitler; My Part in His Downfall” (
“Gunner ‘Plunger’ Bailey, who did an entire twenty minute act with his
genitals. It was done on a very professional basis. After lights out a gunner
would use a torch as a spot light, which lit the ‘artists’s’ genitals: the
third member of the act sang ‘Bird Song at Eventide’ as the star manipulated
his genitals to resemble ‘Sausage on a Plate’, ‘The Last Turkey in the Shop’
(done with a magnifying glass – ed)
‘Sack of Flour’, ‘The Roaring of the Lions’, and by using spectacles ‘Groucho
Marx’. Finaly for the National Anthem he made the member stand. Each manipulation
was received with a storm of clapping and cries of ‘encore’.
[3] Urdu. Meaning, “What do you want, sir?”
[4] Dhobi is the man who washes clothes. The communal washing troughs are still characteristic of some Indian cites, and are operated by a caste of professional washing families called dhobi wallahs. The dhobi itch was caused by a parasite that infected the massive tanks and scrubbing boards during the sweltering summer.
[5] Shabash = well done.
[6] Eccles had also volunteered for a
military mission in ‘The Space Age’ – previous show.